


our love is a ghost that the others cant see

by chaoticamanda



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Angst, Protectiveness, Romance, fake death with a twist, i miss laura and liam interacting so much so!!, jester is sad and emotionally deep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-08-16 18:52:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16500848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaoticamanda/pseuds/chaoticamanda
Summary: “Jester,” he repeats gently, “Why do you want to know if love hurts?” It throws him more, he thinks, that Jester could possibly be hurting than that she loves someone.





	our love is a ghost that the others cant see

**Author's Note:**

> i know that some of the spells used in this fic are not used this way when actually playing. this fic was also written before the apparent fjorester hurt/comfort goldmine that ep 40 is, so canon divergent basically after they get taken aboard avantikas ship.

The massive ship creaks as the dark water churns beneath it, rocking Caleb and Jester gently as they sit on the deck. His coat is pulled tight around him, but he doesn’t mind the ever-present breeze that tugs his hair back away from his face. Jester sits opposite him, letting the wind blow her hair the opposite direction, framing her face and often whipping across it. She seems to be making some sort of game out of it, scrunching her nose every time the strands touch a particularly ticklish part of her nose. Out here, rocking on the infinite empty sea, a million flecks of light reflected in the water from the sky, Caleb thinks it’s almost peaceful.

“Caleb?” Jester’s voice is quiet, hushed in a way that seems unusual for her. The thing he admires most about her is the unabashed way that she approaches any situation, and how he has yet to see her break from any consequences that might arise from that.

“Ja?” He too speaks softly, as if that will preserve the tranquility of the moment, as if they have not been drafted into the service of pirates, as if their ship is not hurtling towards a potentially monstrous temple.

Jester hesitates, another warning, and then scoots closer to Caleb, and he’s proud of himself for not flinching away. Her voice is even more unsure now, “You…You’ve been in love before, right?”

Caleb stiffens, and a hundred thoughts try to cram their way behind his eyes, but he breathes sharply through his nose and his fingers curl even tighter into his coat. Jester must sense his apprehension, but she rarely sees a way around a problem except through, so she plows ahead, “Astrid, I think? That was the name you called me when we danced?”

He curses his heart for pounding the way it does, the way his head is almost trying to as well, and his voice is much sharper than before, careful, “Why do you want to know, might I ask?”

Two blue fingers slide the fabric of her skirts together, and she takes a deep breath, as if she’s just as on edge as him. In a moment, it seems, their peace has been shattered by just a few words. “I was wondering…well, I want to know…hypothetically…is it supposed to hurt, hypothetically?”

Caleb is thrown by this, and for a moment his guard truly drops, “Eh?”

Her cheeks seem to bloom a deep navy color, the lantern light casting swaying shadows across her face. “Does being in love hurt?” she huffs out, as if she’s frustrated with him for not understanding.

He relaxes slightly, the vice grip on his chest loosening. She doesn’t want to use his past against him, she wants to know…to know about love? He knew she’d been a sheltered child, but surely the Ruby had spun all sorts of magical tales about love, so what could he possibly tell her? “Jester…why do you want to know?”

Her eyes narrow, the violet sparkling almost as brightly as the stars on the sea, she hisses sharply, “Caleb!”

“What?” He raises his palms to the sky, his eyebrows following suit. “I do not understand what you mean, and furthermore you probably know more about love than I do.”

She almost seems to close in on herself at that comment, drawing a few inches away from him. “Never mind,” she mumbles, and for the first time since they have taken this somewhat unnecessary watch, she seems cold. Caleb is truly intrigued now, and as much as he can be shite at conversation, it feels important that he pursue this one. He watches as she continues to rub the fabric of her dress, a frown weighing down her face.

“Jester,” he repeats gently, “Why do you want to know if love hurts?”

Jester is quiet for long enough that he thinks she may not answer, and that he’s truly set himself back. Finally, she looks back at him, the wind carrying blue strands of hair across her cheeks, her eyes shining. _“I_ hurt,” she admits, “and I think maybe I’m in love. Maybe.”

_Oh._

He probably should have seen that coming. It throws him more, he thinks, that Jester could possibly be hurting than that she loves someone. She is constantly smiling, unless she is angry, but he has never seen her _sad._ He wonders what else she might be able to hide, how carefully composed she has the power to be.

She takes his silence as a cue to elaborate, “It didn’t hurt at first. It just felt like…like the Traveler was poking me in the heart sometimes, but in a good way! But…I don’t think he…it hurts now. It feels like my guts are all twisted up every time he…sometimes I don’t think he even sees me.”

Caleb blinks, “Wow.”

“Yeah,” Jester nods, leaning back, “It’s, like, heavy stuff, man.”

“Ja, I can see that,” he nods. It’s not a conversation he ever expected to have, certainly not with the most hopeful of their group. He also doesn’t expect the tug in his own gut, the unfamiliar urge to comfort. Fondness is dangerous here, almost like the water. During the day, when its bright and sparkling it just seems beautiful, but these nights they’ve spent aboard, he’s come to respect the dark water. After the sun drops, the waves crash louder, seem more willing to swallow a person whole, hungry for it even. He has to be careful with these things. He has to be careful with getting too close.

“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable with the Astrid stuff,” she says, looking him right in the eyes, “I just thought…it seems like you hurt a lot too.”

Wow. Jester should really have been placed on his watch-the-fuck-out list. She no longer seems sad, her old easy smile back in place, as if she just needed to let loose a little pressure. He wonders how much she’s hurting right now, or if she even knows it.

“Jester,” he swallows, “I…I have been in love before. And…” he offers her the best attempt at a smile he has, “it did hurt. But I don’t think it was supposed to. Not all the time.”

“Ca-leb,” she splits his name in that special way of hers, searching his face, “I knew it. I did.”

“Of course, you did,” Caleb nods, letting his head tilt back toward the stars. “I know things too, you know.”

“Oh yeah? What do you know?” Jester laughs, and it sounds just a little empty, but Caleb knows a lot about being empty. This is okay for now.

“I know that a certain green-skinned fellow takes great notice of you. So I don’t think you have to worry about him…seeing you,” Caleb lets a lazy grin stretch across his face as he stares at the colorful sky, traces patterns of starlight with his eyes.

Jester’s breath hitches, just a little bit, and he can feel her relax next to him. There is a thrum in his chest and as he hears the waves lap against the boat, he thinks maybe a little bit of danger could be exhilarating. Maybe the dark water could be worth it, if just for a smile.

 

It is not the dark water of night that ends up being the most treacherous. It’s Fjord’s. They’re supposed to be running. Now, while Fjord and Avantika are distracted. Beau already has an unconscious Nott slung over her back, followed by Caduceus and Yasha. They’re supposed to be running. They don’t have much time before this dormant volcano erupts with scalding seawater, and that’s if they’re lucky. Somehow Caleb doesn’t think they are. Once Fjord’s eye had glazed over and molted into that brilliant yellow snake eye, they had been screwed. They had no idea how to get him back, not when Caleb was fairly sure they didn’t even know any real thing about him. The two servants of Uk’otoa had both been called by their master, a gospel only they could hear over the crashing waves. _They are supposed to be running._

“I’m not leaving!” Jester cries, ripping her arm out of Caleb’s grasp. “He needs us! We can’t let Fjord get taken by that snake thing!”

 _“Jester!”_ Caleb shouts desperately, his accent thick, “We cannot help him! We have to _go!”_

“You don’t know that! We could still try!” Her cheeks are soaked, both with the tears tumbling down them and the harsh saltwater clinging to her skin. The look in her eyes is too familiar, and he can feel his resolve wavering…

_Does being in love hurt?_

“Jester, he is not even seeing us right now! When that thing breaks free and kills us, he probably won’t even know!” Caleb tries one last time as the earth rumbles around them, a loud humming sound rising from the direction of Avantika and Fjord.

“I’m going to help him, with or without you!” She glances back at Fjord, where he stands at the mouth of hell, facing away from them, Avantika yards across from him on the other side of the gaping hole. Though his falchion hangs limply at his side, his hands are still crackling with blue green energy.

“What are you going to do?” Caleb asks, his voice coarse as he struggles to be heard over the whipping wind and water.

“I…I don’t know,” she falters, “but I have to try something.”

Caleb’s heart is pounding in his ears, and his fingers are clammy from the moisture in the room. He looks at Jester, soaked and ragged, but without a scratch on her. She had been trying to protect the others for most of the fight, desperately trying to keep them alive. But Fjord’s falchion had never swung her way, and Avantika had been distracted by Beau. It’s a miracle that Fjord is standing even now. He swallows, the resolve sinking into his stomach, “I think I have an idea. But Jester, this will be our last chance. Then we are done, understand?”

Jester nods, a weak smile twitching across her lips. He can tell she is lying.

 

“Fjord!” Caleb thunders, calling on training that had been fogged away years ago to seem more intimidating, “Fjord, face me right now!”

Fjord twitches, his head turning back only enough so that the disgusting yellow eye is watching him. Caleb can feel the itch to run dripping down the back of his knees, but this is his place. There is no hope of running now, not with what he’s about to do. “Turn around you hosenscheisser! I want you to face me when I kill you!”

He raises his arm and extends two of his fingers, pointing them directly at Fjord. In the rushing of the waves, he thinks he hears a hiss. “The others were cowards! But I know what needs to be done here, and with you out of the way…the group will be free for me to direct as I wish. You see, it really is a win-win.”

Fjord sways, turning to face him in one fluid motion, his mouth twisted into a snarl. The yellow eye blinks slowly, and then swivels back toward Avantika, the pupil disappearing from view. “There we are,” Caleb offers a grim smile, bringing his other hand up to cover the fingers that are still curled in.

“Caleb!” Jester screams, scrambling towards him from the hallway the others had hastily run through. “Caleb, stop!”

“Jester,” Caleb growls, his eyes never leaving Fjord, who’s eye only flashes to Jester momentarily, “This is the only way.”

“No!” She stumbles to a stop a few feet off from him, “No, he doesn’t deserve to die, he just needs some help. I can heal him.”

“Oh, Jessie,” Caleb smile hardens, and the fire burns in his veins as he redirects his fingers toward her, “This was always the way.”

Two bolts of fire leave his fingers in rapid succession, spiraling through the air, slamming into Jester’s throat and a little lower on her chest. Her reply is choked out of her at the impact, and her hands fly to the sizzling skin on her neck. Her eyes are wide and wet, and the guilt almost pulls the breath from his lungs, but he has to keep going.

Caleb glances back at Fjord and is almost shocked it was that easy. The half-orc’s snarl has slid off his face, leaving his mouth open and hanging as he stares at Jester struggling with her burning flesh. His knuckles are white from their grip, tightening as he breathes heavily. “Ca-leb,” Jester struggles, motions stilted as she struggles with the pain, “Don’t kill him…please…”

“I am sorry,” he replies robotically, flipping one of his hands to produce a small twig and using his thumb to snap it at her. She tries to dodge it, bringing both of her palms up to cover her face as she screams, letting it slam into her gut and radiate out from there. “I can not have you getting in the way. Say hello to Molly for me.”

She crumples from the pain, still screaming, her wet skirts weighed by the water they’ve absorbed. She extends one of her hands, as if to cast a spell in his direction, but it flies past him and radiates around Fjord. Frustrated, Caleb sends one last fire bolt at her, and it hits her squarely in the forehead. She gasps and looks at them both with wild eyes before her body begins to crumble and disappear, succumbing to the flames.  

“No!” Fjord roars, his voice echoing across the cavern, desperate and almost breathless even amplified the way it is.

Caleb blinks past some tears he didn’t realize were there and turns back to Fjord, surprised to see the man stalking towards him. Fjord’s teeth are bared once more, rage pinching his face as he growls, “She trusted you! I’ll fucking end you for that!” His accent is different, something Caleb had only caught once before.

Caleb begins to scramble backwards, heart still pounding, “Killing her was necessary, and less cruel than leading her on while you fuck around with the Captain.”

Fjord’s falters for just a moment in his pursuit, shaking with rage but brows furrowing in confusion. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. All I know is that I should have killed you when I had the chance. We should never have trusted you!”

Desperate though he is not to get beaten to a pulp, Caleb does take note of the irony in Fjord’s statement. Swearing to himself and rolling out of the way of a sudden burst of Eldritch energy that jerks out of Fjord’s palm, he shouts back, “This is _your_ fault, Fjord! Not only did Jester trust you, she _loved_ you!”

Caleb’s back hits a cavern wall, dampness further pressing into his coat, but Fjord stops as well. He blinks at Caleb, and Caleb thinks he looks almost like the old Fjord. “What?” his voice still echoes, but its rougher now, almost choked up.

Before Caleb can answer, he hears a thick, “I’m so sorry!” and Fjord drops heavily to the ground. Jester is still holding her hands out from behind him, looking down with wide eyes at Fjord. Caleb breathes a sigh of relief, but they are still in this fucking volcano.

“Grab him!” He calls to her, stepping forward a few feet, “We need to get the hell out of dodge!”

“Okay, okay, okay!” Her hands flutter for a moment more, her face tight and panicked, but she hefts Fjord over her shoulder no problem. His feet drag against the ground as they hurry down the tunnel where the others went, away from Avantika.

As they hurry, Caleb can hear her murmuring to Fjord, and feels a tug in his chest. There is a time when that dedication really will get her killed. “I’m sorry we had to hurt you, Fjord, but Duce and I will fix you, okay? I promise, cross my heart,” her voice wavers, her accent thicker in her distress.

They finally make it back to one of the central chambers where the rest of the group is waiting, and Caleb feels something unclamp around his heart as he catches sight of Nott sitting on the ground. Beau and Caduceus hurry to gather Fjord from Jester, shouting things that Caleb can’t really register over the pounding in his ears. He leans against one of the walls, pressing his forehead to it as he tries to catch his breath. He almost doesn’t notice Jester approach, her hand gripping one of his dripping sleeves.

“Caleb,” her voice is soft and he blinks at her to focus on what she’s saying, “Thank you. For saving him.”

He offers her a weak smile that’s not entirely genuine, “I guess you know now.”

“Know?” she asks, confused.

“Love does hurt,” he claims, his eyes flicking over to where Fjord is being tied up on the ground by Yasha, “but maybe it is worth it.”

“I think so,” she smiles back at him, but he can see the pain in the creases under her eyes. Standing there, he knows they understand each other in that moment, and he feels like maybe he could always see that she was hurting. He just wasn’t looking for it.

As she pats his arm one last time and scurries back over to the unconscious Fjord, Caleb wonders if maybe they will all see her a little better now.


End file.
